


What Makes Us Human

by idrewabee



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: M/M, but also not really, i guess this is a fix it, small amounts of Xander x Larry, trigger warnings in notes, unrequited Xander x Jesse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:00:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27352351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrewabee/pseuds/idrewabee
Summary: Welcome to Sunnydale, home of the Hellmouth and one Alexander Harris. But this isn't quite the story you recognise, Xander's gay and we fix that slight problem of the unfair treatment of Spike.
Relationships: Xander Harris/Spike
Comments: 5
Kudos: 31
Collections: Dani's Spander Recs





	What Makes Us Human

**Author's Note:**

> Well, my first fic! Thank you to everyone who's helped me so far and all who gave me the confidence to give this a go.  
> There's an idea that's been buzzing around my head for a while now but telling you all would make everyone plug their ears and shout "spoilers". This fic intends to fix a few of the issues I have with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The endgame is Spike/Xander however until chapter 5 this isn't going to be obvious. While we wait we'll be seeing small amounts of unrequited Jesse/Xander and a healthy dose of Larry/Xander. While I know this is not going to be a happy journey I will tell you now; this will end happy! I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, please let me know what you thought in the comments and make my day by leaving kudos.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS (chapter relevant): Abuse, period typical homophobia and use of slurs, suicide, self harm, blood, alcoholism

Xander, Jesse and Willow spent most of their time together, more so than normal best friends do. However on this sunny summer’s day in 1989 it was just Xander and Jesse sitting in the tree house in Jesse’s garden. Willow’s parents had taken her to Disneyland and the boys missed her a lot, when they weren’t busy being jealous that is. They spent most of the day playing with the toys that were now scattered across the floor, green army men, Uno cards and Lego bricks lay around their feet. At about 2pm Xander heard his Father shout for him from inside the house and he scrambled out of the tree, Jesse in tow.

When Xander got to the front door his Father was already sitting in the car so he leant forward and kissed his best friend on the cheek. A grin stretched across his face and a purple bruise marred the left side of his jaw, blending into the blush now riding high on his cheekbones.

Jesse hit his friend on the arm gently. ‘Xan, that’s girly!’

Xander’s grin faded, his brown eyes going wide. ‘Oh,’ his shoulders slumped, ‘Sorry Jesse.’

Mrs McNally looked at the two boys standing in the doorway, she smiled sadly. Xander’s life was hard enough with the way his parents acted, he didn't need yet another thing making him “different”. She bent down and gave Xander a big hug, “I’ll see you soon honey, thank you for being an angel.” She watched, trying not to cry, as Xander beamed up at her, before he ran off to the car when Tony shouted for him again.

~~~~

Truth be told Alexander Harris had known he was gay for years. It had started with Jesse, the sweet brown haired boy that he fell for at the age of 5. This particular crush had been remarkably persistent and even 11 years later the sight of Jesse’s smile never failed to make those little elves that live in Xander’s stomach somersault. Xander never repressed this though, he’d worked out that he only liked boys young enough that he wasn't scared when he found out there was a word for it or that it made him different. Xander had never told his parents much as a kid, in fact Mrs McNally was more of a mother to him than Jessica. He’d told her everything, even all the crushes he’d had (except Jesse although he suspected she knew) and every time she would remind him that is didn’t matter who he loved as long as he was happy. She’d also told him that, while he should never have to hide who he was, he probably shouldn't let people know that he liked boys, especially his parents. Xander had worked out pretty quickly that this was true from watching the way his father talked about people who like the same gender. So he’d pretended to like girls, ignoring Willow’s crush on him and aiming for the one girl that he knew would never be interested in him; Cordelia Chase. Xander didn't like the way it was, slowly people were having their first kisses and, while these were just little pecks on the lips followed by lots of blushing and giggling, Xander felt left out. He wished he could tell Jesse how he felt but instead followed him around hoping his his best friend might secretly feel the same.

At the same time though Xander knew it was safer that his feelings were unreturned. Tony Harris was a mean drunk, with no respect for his wife or son. He was firmly of the belief that he could beat the humanity out of Xander and create a perfect little Tony Jr, a task which he attempted regularly. While in Xander’s younger years Jessica had stood up for her baby boy it was only so long before she decided that the little whiney toddler wasn’t worth the bruises and broken bones and began to drown her sorrows in alcohol too. Xander was a clumsy child, he was a clumsy teenager too, but the sheer number of bruises that hid under long sleeved t-shirts should have drawn suspicion. No one cared that the boy flinched when voices were raised, nobody, that is, except Mrs McNally.

Yes, it was safer this way. When they were 8 Willow had allowed Jesse and Xander to play with some of her Barbies, mixing things up Willow had taken command of Jesse’s little green army men. How Tony had found out was still uncertain but later that evening Xander was crying in the corner with a bloody nose listening to his father spout some nonsense about the fact that he “didn’t raise his son to be a fairy”.

It was safer this way and maybe if he kept telling himself that one day he’d believe it.

~~~~

It had taken everything in Xander not to break down when he looked into the now-yellow eyes of his best friend, even more as the dust fell around him in the Bronze. And if that evening he stood, blood dripping into the bath from the shallow cuts in his arm, if that evening he cried himself to sleep, no one had to know.


End file.
